I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
