That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I CAN MOONWALK!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
