when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
