Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
