He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
