Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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