the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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