Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
