So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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