Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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