i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
