do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
