shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
