I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
