Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
