I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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