You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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