if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
