Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
