I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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