why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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