I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
