I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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