she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
