I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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