glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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