Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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