im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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