i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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