new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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