I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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