dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
