The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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