just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
