i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
