we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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