the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I can't put those talents on a resume
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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