we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
