you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
