I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
