"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
