Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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