I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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