Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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