I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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