my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This house was built for laser tag.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping