i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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