He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
