Umm I'm too high to move.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
