It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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