She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
