When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just cropdusted the office
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
