Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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