i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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