Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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