you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
